Recently we were in a store waiting to get checked out. The line was long, so we had time to “people watch”. We noticed that some people were very interactive with the strangers around them. Others, by avoiding any eye contact with those near them, gave out a vibe that they wanted to be left alone.

We realize there may be many reasons for why some people appeared closed to the idea of interacting with others. They may have had a lot of things going on in their lives and they may have been lost in their own thoughts. Whatever the reason, we got to thinking about how easy it is for some people to strike up a conversation with strangers and for others, not so much.

We spend our childhoods being told to never speak to strangers but then discover as we grow up, we need to do just that, repeatedly. Sometime people are more comfortable with strangers who are serving them in a restaurant or helping them in a store. Other encounters can be more complicated, such as the strangers you meet in social situations or networking. These are the people who have the potential of being your future friends or coworkers. These are the strangers who matter. For some, meeting this type of stranger can be quite intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be.  As Ricky Maye said, “Conversation isn’t about proving a point; true conversation is about going on a journey with the people you are speaking with.”

So, how do you get past the initial trepidation to be able to talk to strangers comfortably? We’ll share some ideas for you to consider.

Jump Right In. So, what does that mean? If you always have someone with you to fall back on, you’re never going to truly take the plunge. Try going to new places alone, so you can’t just stick with people you already know.

Reach Out First. If you’re waiting around hoping to be noticed, you might have a very long wait. Use courage to start a conversation! Take a risk to join in the fun rather than just waiting to be invited.

Give and Take of Conversation. Be curious, ask questions about them and listen. The conversation ball can get rolling as you discover new facts about the people you meet.  Also, be ready to share things about you (but not excessively). Good conversation should have an ebb and flow. Don’t let conversation get too heavy in any one direction.

Be Friendly. When initiating conversation, know when to proceed and when to back off, so you don’t appear too aggressive. Not everyone wants to talk. If this is the case, there’s nothing wrong with you. There are a lot of people who enjoy conversing. So just let them go and move on to talk with someone else.

Be Authentically You. The most compelling people are those who are authentic and genuine. Being authentic is much easier than playing a role. This means being you without pretense. It’s ok to share if you feel anxious. That may even make the other person feel more at ease. You’d be amazed at how many people can identify with those feelings.

How to End a Conversation. If the conversation has died down, isn’t going well, or you just want to leave, here are some ways to end it. It can be as simple as “I need to leave” or “I need to use the restroom.” Also, you can just thank them for the interaction and move on. “It was a pleasure talking with you. Thank you for the conversation.” If you really enjoy the person, you could suggest, “Would you like to share contact information and stay in touch?” Or you could even set a time to get together again.

What about you? How comfortable are you talking to strangers?  We suggest that you use some of the ideas we offered to help you feel more comfortable with meeting new people. Lady Dorothy Nevill said, “The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.”

A book by Debra Fine titled, The Fine Art of Small Talk has been helpful for many people. William Butler Yeats perhaps said it best. “There are no strangers here; only friends you haven’t yet met.” With that reframe, would you like to set out to meet some strangers and make some new friends? We would enjoy hearing your stories about becoming more comfortable talking with strangers – and making new friends!

Chanhassen MN residents, Doug and Lynn Nodland are success coaches and owners of The Balance Center in Excelsior. Contact them at WeCare@TheBalanceCenter.com

© Doug and Lynn Nodland 2023 Articles and videos may be shared in their entirety with attribution.